If Only
by anavihs
Summary: Remus' thoughts, in journal form, over the years about a certain red-head.


**A/N: This is a one-shot that occurred to me one day and I needed to get it down. :) Beta'd by Rokslite (She's awesome.) I hope you enjoy it!**

**It's a bit more angsty than anything I've previously written, so yeah... :) ENJOY!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. If I did, I wouldn't have been able to move past the Marauder's era or the Marauders + Lily would have made it!**

* * *

**Date: Thurday 12th February, 1976**

Dear book-in-which-i-usually-write-what-i-learned-during-classes-but-shall-now-contain-my-most-heartfelt-secrets (Journal for short, since men don't have diaries, as Padfoot was so keen to point out to Prongs when Prongs made fun of him for having one)

I have come to a stunning realisation that almost made me fall flat on my arse today.

Lily Evans may possibly return my feelings.

It is now fifteen minutes after my last statement as I have been staring at that last bit of my entry and I can't seem to fathom what else to write. This wouldn't have been a problem last year. I didn't know her well then. She was the girl that Prongs was obsessed with. Now, she's Lily; funny, kind, beautiful Lily. Ever since we became Fifth Year Gryffindor Prefects together, I've come to see what Prongs has seen all along.

Now let me expand on my previous point about my unrequited like seemingly becoming less unrequited.

Lily Evans has asked me to accompany her to the Slug Club party that will be happening on Saturday. Now, normally, I wouldn't think twice. We are quite good friends and I know, for a fact, that she enjoys my company, as she seeks me out more than some of her regular friends.

The problem with this proposal, however, is that the party is taking place on Saturday 14th February. Valentine's day... St. Valentine's Day, The day of love, The day of romance.

Bollocks! I can't wrap my head around this. Is she trying to give me a hint? Am I over-thinking this? Could this be nothing more than her desire to not be assaulted with offers to attend?

She also mentioned that she usually went to these things with Severus Snape. I would have taken this as a she didn't want to be left alone with him, but she followed this statement with "Even so, I can't think of anyone I'd rather go with than you."

My heart is soaring and I'm feeling jitters in my stomach, but I look across at Prongs and I feel guilt in every molecule of my being. He doesn't deserve this. He loves Lily, even if his attempts at wooing her are misguided. I don't know how to tell him. I can't bring myself to hurt him this way.

He's been there for me when no one has been before. I won't delude myself into thinking that Padfoot would have deigned to be my mate if it wasn't for Prongs. Padfoot is aloof that way. Even Wormtail would have been too busy trying to survive school. He always goes along with Prongs, though. It's because Prongs such a great bloke. He would never hurt his friends by going behind their back with their girl. He would never fall for someone his friend fancied. He's loyal to a tee. If I had proclaimed my affections for Lily before him, I'm sure he would have backed off.

He's the best thing that has happened to me and I'm betraying him by having any kind of romantic feelings for Lily. For Merlin's sake, he became an Animagus to help me through my transformation. He figured out what I was and accepted me wholeheartedly.

What was I thinking, anyway? I'm a bloody werewolf. No one can ever be with me.

I'm such an idiot. Tomorrow I'm going to tell Lily I can't go. Maybe I should suggest she invite Prongs.

* * *

**Date: Friday 13th February, 1976**

Plan Cancel-date-with-Lily-and-ask-her-to-invite-Prongs-instead has failed miserably. At breakfast, Lily came over to speak to me as soon as she entered the Great Hall. She mentioned that she was wearing her purple dress robes to the party, since Slughorn told her that the theme was purple and asked if I had anything to wear. All of my friends' eyes were immediately on me and I just blurted out that I did, in fact, have something that could pass as purple.

After she left, Prongs all but attacked me, as he rightly should, but Padfoot smacked him across the head saying that we were probably just going as friends. When he turned to me for confirmation, I just nodded my stupid head and felt smaller than I had ever felt in my life. I was wrong, though, since seconds later, Prongs was relieved and apologising for almost attacking me.

_That_ was definitely the smallest I've ever felt in my life.

Later, he said that I could use the time to put in a good word for him and I forced a smile and a nod. I'm the lowest scum that has ever crossed the green earth and I know it. I'm trying to steal my best friend's girl. I would off myself if I didn't think Prongs would investigate my reason for death and then hate me for the rest of his life.

I need to make things better. I have patrol with Lily later. I'm going to speak to her then.

* * *

Lily Evans likes me.

I kid you not journal. I am currently feeling equal parts guilt and elation.

When I went to patrol, everything went normally. We started off from the Entrance Hall, as we usually do, and just as we were heading up to the second floor, she grabbed my hand and smiled at me from under her lashes. I almost died! Right there!

Lily Evans. The most beautiful girl I've ever met, inside and out, was holding my hand.

Of course, being me, I had to ruin it. For her own good, of course, but I think I hurt her feelings. I pointed out the window, stupidly, saying it was night time, effectively pulling my hand away and then stuffing them both in my pocket, in case she tried again.

Let's just say we didn't have anything but awkward stuttered conversations after that. Quite unlike us. I've never had a dull moment with Lily before.

I hate what I'm feeling. If I could make it go away, I would.

At the end of patrol, she asked me, quite hesitantly I might add, as if she expected to be rejected, if I still wanted to go to the party.

I never wanted to hurt her. I never meant to. Everything is so complicated now. I wish we could just go back to how things were before.

So, of course, I said yes. I couldn't take that look on her face. At this point, she nodded and left.

I reiterate the fact that I'm an idiot, journal. I deserve to be hung up by my toes from the torture chamber that Filch is always threatening us with.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 14th February, 1976**

This has been both the best and worst night of my life.

When I got to the common room, Lily was already waiting for me. She looked fantastic. I can't even describe how nice she looked, journal, but that memory will keep me up for a few nights, I can assure you.

She may have spoken to me at that point, but I was too tongue-tied to respond and so she started grinning at me. I don't think I'm doing a very good job of making her think I only have platonic feelings for her.

The party was wonderful. We danced a lot, so I got to hold her close a few times. It was incredible. Until I realised that Prongs and Padfoot had decided to finally make good on their many invitations to Slug Club affairs. Prongs gave me a thumbs up and motioned to Lily, silently telling me to get on with the praising of him.

Suffice to say that the rest of the night went horrifically. Everytime I mentioned Prongs to Lily, she gave me a funny look. At the end of the night, she actually snapped,

"If you like him so much, why don't you date _him_ instead?"

Which led me to realise that it _was_, in fact, a date.

To further ruin the moment, Padfoot heard her and immediately told Prongs. The bastard. Not that I actually resented him. I would have done the same thing I was in the situation.

I now have a huge headache. For the first time in my life, I actively lied to Prongs.

He waved off the traitor's statement and assured him that it had to mean something else. He asked me, quite earnestly, what I really meant, and I told him that I was secretly dating Emmeline Vance.

He then congratulated me and told me that if it was anyone in the world he would wish love to, it would be me.

I think there's a knife in my heart now. Probably the one that I used to stab Prongs in the back with, when I took Lily on that date. Serves me right.

Padfoot has been eyeing me suspiciously, though.

Must make sure to speak to Emmeline.

* * *

**Date: Tuesday 17th February, 1976**

I have now lied not only to Prongs. I have lied to Padfoot, Wormtail, Lily and the rest of the school.

What a practiced little deceiver I have become.

Emmeline Vance is a darling, she truly is. She has agreed to pose as my secret girlfriend with little or no questions asked. She mentioned that it might hurt Lily's feelings, but I think she understood that I was desperate.

If Prongs or Padfoot ever finds this journal, I am dead. So, much like we did on the Marauder's Map, I have put a password on it. They will never figure it out, thank Merlin. Especially since Padfoot has now become very suspicious of everything I do and asked me what I scribble about in the night when everyone else is sleeping.

I don't know how much longer I can keep up this farce. I need to get over Lily.

* * *

**Date: Thursday 19th February, 1976**

I don't deserve Prongs' friendship. I've come to realise that he's been protecting me from Padfoot's attempts to hex me for my "misdeeds" with Evans. Padfoot sees it as a big joke.

I wish he would hex me. I'd have deserved it.

I can't bring myself to look Lily in the eye. She says I've been acting weird. She also apologised for any untoward behaviour she may have displayed. As if _she_ had been in the wrong.

She told me she had no idea I had been seeing Emmeline.

Well guess what, Lil? Neither did I.

Emmeline, however, finds pretending to be secretly dating to be tonnes of fun. She passes little notes to me in class, which are actually blank, but it's all for show anyway. She gives me little looks and smiles and we even have to sneak away sometimes to sit in an abandoned hallway and do homework while everyone thinks we're snogging.

I hate myself.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 21st February, 1976**

If I offed myself at this point, I think I'd have deserved it.

Padfoot knows. He said he saw how I looked at Evans sometimes when no one was looking and he knew I was lying about Vance since he spied on one of our "snogging sessions" using Prongs' Invisibility Cloak.

He gave me an extremely disappointed look and told me that he thought I was a better friend than that.

I can't quite put how I felt at the moment, but if the ground could have swallowed me up, I would have gone without a fight.

* * *

**Date: Sunday 22nd February, 1976**

Padfoot said he's not going to tell Prongs since he figures I've been trying to get over it. I was so relieved I almost cried. Padfoot would have made fun of me for the rest of my life, though, so I didn't.

He gave me some advice. Sound, solid advice. Very unexpected, since it's Padfoot after all.

He said that I should repress the feelings and try as hard as I could to get Lily together with Prongs. That way, the guilt will go away and I wouldn't have betrayed the best friend I could ever find.

I was a little suspicious about how he knew exactly what to do. When I asked him, though, he just smiled all enigmatically at me. He's hiding something, I can tell, but the only person he confides his deeper feelings to is Prongs. I won't pry, but I'd still like to know.

* * *

**Date: Friday 27th February, 1976**

I am extremely ashamed of myself. More ashamed (and frankly, disgusted) than I have ever been with myself.

I did a very bad thing. Something I'm just going to have to live with, but I truly wish I didn't have to.

I saw Lily come out of the bath in the prefect's bathroom today.

She didn't know anyone was there. It was my entire fault. I was too distracted to see the pink sign on the door that indicated there was a female prefect using the bath at the time. Then again, maybe I did. Because when I got inside and I heard splashing, I didn't walk away from the noise. I walked towards it. When I saw Lily, I didn't move away. I stayed. I stayed and watched, like the filthy little pervert that I am.

She was... There are no words.

Moving on.

...

...

...

I don't know if you realise where this is going, Journal, but all I need to say is that I did a very bad thing after seeing her. I waited for her to leave, hiding like the disgusting peeping tom that I was and then I... relieved myself.

I'm too depraved to live.

I should tell Padfoot. Not everything, of course. Never will I share exactly what happened today.

I could tell him that I... well, you know... while thinking of her. He'd know what to do.

* * *

Padfoot said it's perfectly normal. He said I should TRY IT MORE OFTEN. That maybe getting it out of my system _that way_, as well as repressing my feelings could help.

I have no more words for you, journal. I'm worse than Snape, Regulus, Crabbe, Goyle and bloody VOLDEMORT, put together. I honestly don't deserve to be friends with Prongs anymore.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 24th March, 1976**

It's been quite a while since I wrote in here, but today definitely needed to be recorded somewhere.

It was the first time in a very long time that I was able to... well... you know... without thinking of Lily. I've been trying to think of _anything_ else and it usually works, right until the end. Then I remember. I always end up remembering and I can't help myself.

I mean, I'm a healthy young man, so of _course_ I wank. No matter what Padfoot tries to tell the world, I am _not_ a eunuch.

The point is, I am very proud of myself.

I just thought you should know.

* * *

**Date: Thursday 15th April, 1976**

Padfoo Sirius Orion Black is the vilest, most horrible excuse for a wizard who has ever existed on the face of this earth.

He thought it would be funny, no, _hilarious_, to show Snape the way into the Shrieking Shack. I could have killed him.

The worst part is, I don't even think the idiotic gigantic PRAT thought of that. He thought I would scare Snape and leave him alone, as if he has never seen me attack anything while being a fucking werewolf. I attack _him_ all the fucking time. How the hell else does he get the scratches on his body after a full moon?

I have no words for how angry I am journal. Just that I wish _he_ had been the one to come, as a human, to visit the Shrieking Shack.

Thank Merlin for Prongs. He's a hero, no matter how he sees it.

Sirius, on the other hand is a twat, who will not be forgiven for this.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 21st April, 1976**

The bastard keeps trying to apologise. Prongs is even more angry at him than I am, which actually makes me feel bad for the idiot. When Prongs is mad at you, it's worse than anything else. He doesn't get angry easily, so it's worse when he does.

He tried to explain it to me, and in typical Padfoot fashion, his logic made no sense. He just wanted to scare Snape, apparently, and didn't think about the consequences. I know he isn't very good with thinking of outcomes. That's where I usually come into the planning. I reckon I'll let him sweat it out for a few more days and then forgive him. If only so that he'll stop following me around. He _was_ following Prongs, but when the hexing started, he decided against it.

* * *

**Date: Tuesday 27th April, 1976**

I decided to forgive Padfoot today. Prongs still refuses to so much as glance his way, but I think we can get to him, together. Padfoot looked so desolate sitting by himself that I invited him back to sit with us. Wormtail wasn't sure what to think. He was torn between Padoot and Prongs' sides from the beginning.

I think Prongs will crack if I get Lily to speak to him. Lily. I haven't mentioned her in a while, have I? Things have returned to how they used to be before I started feeling the way I do. We're still friends. Really good friends. She confides in me and I, in turn, confide in her.

She told me about her mum today. About how much she misses her. How much she wishes Snape could change back to the little boy he used to be. She wishes her dad could be happy again.

I told Prongs what she said and the love I saw in his eyes when I spoke about her just makes me more sure I'm making the right choice.

It's not as if Prongs is lacking people to love him. His parents adore him. His friends (myself included) love him as well. He knows that. What he feels for Lily, though, is special. It's as if he's known, from the moment he met her, that they were meant to be together. I see them now, together, and I see it too. They complement each other in the most wonderful of ways. While my heart aches to see it, I can't deny that truth.

I wish I could hate him for it. Even a little. But I can't.

Prongs gives so much of himself all the time that he deserves something back sometimes.

I'm ashamed to say that when I was younger, I used to be jealous. He seemed to get everything so easily. He wanted to be in Gryffindor and he got it. He wanted to get onto the Quidditch team and he did. He wanted to get Captain and he did (in his third year, no less.) He wanted to be top of the class and he was. He wanted to be the most popular boy in school and he was. He wanted to be the biggest prankster Hogwarts had ever seen and he was. No matter how hard I worked, things just gravitated to him.

Until I saw that he _did_ deserve what he got.

He practiced Quidditch more than the whole team combined. He was naturally brilliant and got bored easily so he did advanced pranks to challenge himself, making him a great prankster _and_ a great student. He was naturally charismatic and a born leader. He was an overall great guy and people reacted to that, including Professors. He seemed like he had a really high opinion of himself but he was actually a really self-depreciating guy who tried to act tough.

The greatest flaw that James Potter had was his big mouth. If he kept it closed a bit more often, I'm pretty sure Lily would have been his a very long time ago.

So I'm going to do what I can to help him get Lily and I won't try to come between them. It's what he deserves.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 28th April, 1976**

I talked Lily into speaking to Prongs about Padfoot and five seconds after the conversation, Prongs had forgiven him. (I'm just going to insert a heavy bit of eye-rolling here, journal.)

Plan Get-Lily-and-James-together (or as Padfoot calls it, Plan Get-Flower-to-Shag-Prongs) has officially commenced and I figure that after a few months, my heart isn't going to break every time I think about them together.

Prongs apologised about his constant hexing and pranking of Snape and Lily accepted, albeit reluctantly.

* * *

**Date: Friday 30th April, 1976**

O.W.L.s are coming. Dear Merlin. They're almost here. Can't write for long. Just needed to mention that Lily tutored Prongs in Potions while he tutored her in Transfiguration. The plan is working. I'm ecstatic. Truly.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 9th June, 1976**

O.W.L.s are over. Thank Merlin. I can finally relax. A bit worried about my last answer in History of Magic, but I hope they understood what I wrote. Got a bit rushed at the end there.

There's been a bit of a hiccup in plan Get-Prongs-and-Lily-together. Prongs is an idiot. Other than that wonderful fact, he decided it would be fun (after apologising to Lily for all the times he had hexed him previously) to hex Snape after our Defense O.W.L.

It doesn't sound too bad, but after she defended him, Snivellus called Lily a word no one is ever going to forget. Mudblood. The vilest word you can call someone. After this, I'm pretty sure Prongs and Padfoot felt vindicated in having hexed the idiot.

Lily didn't see it that way, though. Her version is more along the lines of "If it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have called me that in the first place!"

I know it's just the hurt talking right now, but Prongs was more upset than I've ever seen him.

* * *

**Date: Thursday 10th June, 1976**

Prongs apologised to Lily today. Usually, this goes nowhere. Today, however, I think she saw the sincerity. She had been crying all night. Everyone could see it. The red of her eyes were a huge giveaway. I wanted to comfort her so bad that I knew it wasn't my place.

Isn't that how it usually goes? When you want something the most, you probably shouldn't have it?

We have patrol tonight. I hope she's a little better.

* * *

She isn't better. She cried on my shoulder for a straight hour. She told me that she had known he was changing, but she hadn't realised how much until he called her that word. No matter what Padfoot says, I don't consider myself a very violent person. But if I could find Snivellus in a dark alley and transform into a wolf on will, I would.

At this point, I think it's best to stay away from her. My feelings are coming back and I can't have that happening. She's forgiven Prongs and they're getting along a lot better. Perhaps now is a good time to continue Plan Get-Prongs-and-Lily-together?

* * *

**Date: Friday 11th June, 1976**

It's the last day of the year.

Prongs kept asking out Lily and now she rolls her eyes but when she turns away, she smiles a bit.

That's progress, yeah? If only I didn't feel like the Whomping Willow had a go at me every time I see it.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 1st September, 1976**

I saw Lily for the first time after the summer away. She kept owling me to visit her but I kept saying I wasn't feeling well. She said she needed to speak to me about that but I'm not so worried.

The point was, I saw her and I may be getting over her.

There's always a part of me that's going to feel something for her. That's never going to go away.

What I'm happy about is that I can finally go back to how things were.

* * *

**Date: Friday 24th September, 1976**

Every _single time_ something goes great, something else comes to ruin it. Isn't that always the bloody way?

I was over her. I was bloody _over her_.

Then she went and found out. She knows. What I am. A werewolf. She figured it out.

Instead of labelling me as a monster, as she well should, she _accepted_ me. She told me she knew and she _hugged_ me. She even said that she'd try to help me look for a cure. She had already begun research and was working on a potion that might lessen the effects. I could have cried. Not only had she accepted me, but my heart was overflowing with feelings for her now. Feelings I had pushed down for _months_.

Why did she have to do this to me?

I may even feel _more_ for her now.

It's obvious though, that if she had felt something before, it was gone. She hugged me and kissed me on the cheek _fondly_. I should feel great about that. If it had to be any kind of relationship we had, I'd prefer my feelings to be one-sided. I just couldn't help but be a little disappointed.

I'm going to sleep now. I can't handle what I'm feeling at the moment and I only needed to write this before I implode.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 25th September, 1976**

I told the rest of the Marauders about Lily knowing.

Prongs told me he fell even more in love with her knowing her opinion. I know how he feels.

He also said that he wished I could find someone like her. Who would accept me for who I was.

Someone like Lily, he said. I laughed so hard they thought I was crazy. On the inside I was crying, though. And if a few of those tears fell on the outside as well, they attributed it to my mirth.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 25th December, 1976**

I got my Christmas present from Lily today. It was a package of my favourite chocolate and a little bookmark with a howling wolf on it.

She wrote a note as well. It said,

"I've always loved wolves. Happy Christmas, Remus."

I cried.

* * *

**Date: Monday 3rd January, 1977**

When I saw Lily on returning to Hogwarts, she was wearing my present. A little locket that I had put a picture of her mum in. I had asked her father for the picture and he had been more than happy to provide it.

She hugged me tighter than she ever had and kissed my cheek.

"Best present _ever_, Remus. Thank you."

I noted, however, that she was also hugging the little stuffed stag that Prongs had gotten for her tighter than she would usually. I waggled my eye-brows at it and she flushed.

So Lily fancies Prongs. Lovely.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 26th February, 1977**

I know I haven't written in here in a while but this new N.E.W.T. schedule is psychotic. We're in _sixth year_. Should we be getting this much work?

The Marauders are doing a lot less pranking but the ones that we do pull through with are absolutely brilliant. I'm very proud of us, myself.

Lily's doing great.

For her birthday, Prongs had a party for her. The whole Sixth Year gang stayed in the armchairs around the fire. Prongs sat on the ground by Lily's feet.

We're all doing the same classes so Lily tends to sit next to me when her mates aren't there. I see her glancing at Prongs. It's as if they have practiced for _years_. As soon as Prongs looks away, she glances at him and when she looks away, Prong would resume his staring.

As if I needed any more proof that they're bloody meant for each other.

* * *

**Date: Friday 18th March, 1977**

Prongs and I had our shared birthday today. It was bloody brilliant. So brilliant, in fact, I spent the whole night chatting with Padfoot and Wormtail while Lily and Prongs were cozy on a sofa, chatting. I wonder what they spoke about that was so interesting? I mean, they chatted for at least three hours. One would think... No. I'm being nasty. I'm fine. It's great. It's all wonderful.

Does the pain ever bloody go away?

* * *

**Date: Friday 1st April, 1977**

It's the last day of school before the Easter holidays and I must say I am beyond relieved. Sure, there's two million heaps of homework to do, but Prongs, Padfoot and Wormtail decided to stay with me since full moon is on the 5th. They didn't want me to be left alone.

Understandably, it was Prongs that insisted, but they agreed in the end. Why did I have a temporary grudge against Prongs again? Oh yes. Because I'm an arse. Of course. How could I forget?

* * *

**Date: Friday 15th April, 1977**

Everyone's returned. Lily's returned. With terrible news. Her father died.

He was killed in a car accident with a drunk driver. I didn't know what to say.

When she got back, she didn't seem herself. Her smile was stiff, her eyes were dead. No one knew what to think.

Then, the prefects had a meeting to discuss any mishaps at school during the holidays. After the meeting I asked her what was wrong. She just started crying. At first I thought she had met Snivellus during the holiday. She had mentioned they lived within walking distance of each other. I had been dreading just such a situation.

This pain was different, though. I noticed it from the moment she cracked. It was an almost animal-like pain. Something had hurt her that was so raw she couldn't keep it in.

Then she told me. She couldn't get the words out. It was like they were choking her. But I heard her. I just held her. I didn't know what else to do. My shoulder was soaked at the end of it, but I didn't care. She needed me and I was there for her. That's all that mattered.

I haven't told anyone. When she's ready, she can tell whoever she wants to. I won't spread her pain around. She doesn't need to see those looks of pity.

I've considered telling Prongs, though. He should know.

* * *

Apparently, I needn't have bothered telling Prongs. She owled him as soon as it happened.

That night. The night we all thought he'd gotten drunk in Hogsmeade and couldn't make it back. Of course we looked for him, but when he got home the next morning, he looked haggard and tired. So we assumed he had walked around in a drunken stupor for the night.

I didn't even realise. He had been with Lily. Comforting her. Because she asked him to. She had an owl who could go to anyone she wanted to. She chose to send it to Prongs.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 16th April, 1977**

I literally cannot believe my eyes. Right now, even as I'm writing this, there's a drunken Lily, laughing at her own feet, on the floor of my dormitory. I kid you not. Lily is drunk. As drunk as I have ever seen any one of us Marauders (I do admit to the occasional drunken night.)

Prongs apparently talked her into sharing a bottle of firewhiskey with him. Padfoot snuck it in so he was allowed a share as well.

She's lying on his lap now. She's about to fall asleep. Prongs is stroking her hair and looking at her in a way I've never seen him look at anything. He loves her. A lot. More than I had previously thought.

I think she's asleep now.

* * *

**Date: Sunday 17th April, 1977**

Lily slept in Prongs' bed. I'm not jealous. At all. He shared with Padfoot. By that, of course, I mean he slept on the ground since Sirius quite literally kicked him off the bed at some point in the night.

* * *

She woke up and I've never seen anything more beautiful. Her hair was mussed and the sadness seemed to be seeping back in, but for the moment, she had a small smile on her face as she looked at James on the floor, his face squashed on the side and a considerable amount of drool leaking out with his glasses askew on his face. The emotion in her eyes made me realise how she felt about him too. She loved him. Even if she was in the very first stages of it, she loved him.

I won't even try to explain how I feel right now, journal. I can't find the words.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 27th April, 1977**

Padfoot confronted me today about my feelings. I probably shouldn't put it like that, but it was how it felt. He said he was asking because he was concerned. I think it was more along the lines of him not wanting anything in the way of Prongs' romance. I don't blame him.

I do however, resent the fact that he doesn't believe me. I told him, straight away, that I've gotten over Lily. He decided to bloody roll his eyes. As if I didn't know my own feelings. I don't care that I wasn't completely honest. He should have believed it!

* * *

**Date: Saturday 4th June, 1977**

Today was the last weekend before we leave. As a reward for all of our hard work and the past two weeks of exams, us Marauders decided to take a trip to Hogsmeade and invite Lily.

We all had a great time. Lily's smiling more now. It still might be a while before the smile is sincere again, but for now, we're just happy to get a smile and a small laugh at times.

Prongs makes her laugh. They walked together the whole time. She only laughs when he's around.

I don't think I can write anymore, journal.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 17th August, 1977**

It was Padfoot's birthday today. He's staying at Prongs' house this summer, so Wormtail, Lily and I went over to join in the celebrations.

It was wonderful. Fun. Great.

We got our Hogwarts letters halfway through the party. I must say, Dumbledore has quite spectacular timing.

Lily and Prongs are Heads. Head Girl and Head Boy, respectively. Together. Sharing a dorm. Alone.

I have no words.

I'm not jealous that Prongs got it. I didn't expect to. I'm a werewolf. If someone found out that a werewolf was the Head Boy of Hogwarts, there would be hell to pay. Especially with Snivellus finding out what I am.

If anyone had to get it, it should be Prongs. He's an exceptional leader. He keeps _Padfoot_ in line for Merlin's sake! Everyone loves him (including Lily) and he's beyond charismatic.

I'm so happy for them. I really am. If I'm not feeling, on the inside, as much happiness as I'm displaying on the outside, no one has to know.

In other news, Lily and Prongs spent over two hours in his room.

I have no idea what they did but they weren't blushing when they got back, so I'm hoping they just talked. Padfoot complained that they weren't giving him a real party so they spent the next couple hours making it up to him.

We laughed so much my stomach still hurts.

I hate how I'm feeling, journal. Please make it go away.

* * *

**Date: Thursday 1st September, 1977**

Back to school. It's N.E.W.T. year. That means there's going to be a psychotic workload.

Prongs and Lily just left to be shown their dorms.

Every time I glance at his bed I imagine him lying next to Lily. What's wrong with me, journal? Why can't I be happy for my best mate?

* * *

**Date: Friday 21st October, 1977**

We've been practicing Patronus charms in Defence. Our ex-Auror teacher is sure that it will be necessary to know when we leave Hogwarts. Us Marauders learned that charm a long time ago so we pretended to fluster when we began.

I'm not here to talk about that though. I'm here to talk about Lily.

A doe.

Her Patronus is a doe.

The Professor even went on about what it meant when her doe immediately ran to Prongs' stag.

As soon as I saw hers, my own Patronus faded.

* * *

**Date: Sunday 25th December, 1977**

It's Christmas day. Everyone decided to stay in Hogwarts. We just exchanged presents.

Lily got me a book. Not just any book, journal. A book I mentioned in passing, probably sometime last year, that I wanted but couldn't find anywhere.

She said that she's been searching for it ever since I told her about it.

I've come to realise I will never stop loving her, journal. There's no way. A piece of my heart will always be hers. There's nothing I can do about it.

I got a doll for her. She said she had wanted it since she was a little girl. The hug I got today should tide me over until I die. I hope.

Prongs got her a bracelet. With a stag and doe charm. How fitting.

* * *

**Date: Sunday 1st January, 1978**

For the first time in my life, I made a New Year's resolution.

I usually don't believe in that nonsense. You don't have to have a particular time of the year to stop something. If you want to, then you stop it right at that moment. There's no auspicious time to stop doing something.

I will, however, try this one last thing before I resign myself to the inevitable.

My New Year's resolution is to stop loving Lily Evans.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 12th January, 1978**

Lily hasn't taken off the bracelet yet. I don't think she ever will.

She hasn't taken off the locket either.

Probably because of her mum's picture, though.

* * *

**Date: Friday 20th January, 1978**

Lily tried to get me to go to Hogsmeade with one of her friends today. Tomorrow is the first Hogsmeade weekend of the new year and Lily is trying to get me a date.

I explained to her, once more, that I am a _werewolf_ and would ruin any woman's life. She literally said,

"That's bollocks, Remus and you know it. If I can agree to go with James then you can find someone as well!"

It was at that point I found out she had agreed to go on a date with Prongs. Even as my heart broke, I congratulated her and then left to congratulate Prongs. To ask him why he didn't tell me. I believe I would have handled it better if I had to deal with his exuberance. Not her blushing.

In the end, he admitted that he didn't want to jinx it (in Prongs language that means he didn't want Padfoot to find out and ruin it.)

I'm happy for them. No matter what Padfoot says, it's a _smile_, not a grimace.

* * *

**Date: Friday 27th January, 1978**

Lily's birthday is on Monday, so we had her birthday party today instead.

Lily and James danced. All night.

Following a good many hours of dancing, they snogged. It took me fifteen minutes to write down those words, but I finally did it.

They snogged.

It's official.

They're official.

That's all.

* * *

**Date: Friday 10th February, 1978**

With the coming of Valentine's day and with Ms. Evans very much in a relationship (inclusive of very disturbing public displays of affection that I will leave out from this entry), she has decided that I also need a girlfriend, rather urgently I might add.

I did what any red-blooded man would have done in my situation. I decided to sic her on Padfoot instead.

After I explained how left out he was when Prongs got himself a girlfriend (in this case, Ms. Evans herself), she was suitably distracted and I may just have a few days, which I am hoping include Valentine's day, to myself.

If you're wondering, journal, yes. What with all the very public displays of love, I have gotten a lot better at hiding my feelings.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 27th May, 1978**

Prongs proposed to Lily. She accepted.

Exams ended yesterday. They were fine, journal. Charms was a bit tricky, but I should do well.

I refuse to cry, journal. Remus John Lupin does not cry.

* * *

**Date: Sunday 16th July, 1978**

Today was the wedding.

It was beautiful. It took all of a month to plan but it was lovely.

Prongs and Lily decided to have the wedding before they start Auror training.

It was beautiful. She was beautiful.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 24th November, 1979**

I haven't written in here in so long. More than a year. I dug you out of my books, journal. I need to write something important and I had nowhere else to turn.

Lily's pregnant.

Prongs told us today. He's so happy. He's ecstatic. Padfoot demands to be godfather.

She's having their child. A baby. Physical proof of their love. I hope it's a girl. With green eyes and fiery red hair.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 2nd April, 1980**

It's a boy. The baby's a boy. The found out from their Healer. They're going to name him Harry. After Lily's father.

* * *

**Date: Thursday 31st July, 1980**

He looks just like him. He's James in miniature form.

But when he opened those eyes...

He has her eyes.

The most beautiful baby I've ever seen.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 24th January, 1981**

You-know-who is after them. They think that Harry is the only deterrent to him becoming the true Dark Lord. How that precious boy could be his downfall is beyond my conception.

I offered for Prongs and Lily to stay with me. They declined. They've found a house and are to put the Fidelius charm on it. I assume that Padfoot is their secret keeper.

I won't be seeing them for a while. I probably should have said goodbye when I got the chance. I'll have to write them a letter and let Padfoot deliver it.

* * *

**Date: Saturday 31st October, 1981**

Dead. They're dead.

Gone.

I'll never see them again.

Prongs. My best friend.

Lily. My love.

Little Harry. He survived. That's the only comfort I have.

They're gone. I have no one.

Padfoot... No! Sirius Black. I will _never_ use the name Padfoot again. Sirius Black murdered them. He gave Voldemort the secret. In the end, he was nothing more than what he always suspected he'd end up being. A traitor. A betrayer.

Lily. My Lily. I always loved you.

* * *

**Date: Wednesday 1st September, 1993**

I've met Harry. For the first time. I dug you out once more, journal, to write this. I've seen him. He looks so much like Prongs. But every time he looks at me, my heart breaks. Those eyes. I haven't seen those eyes in 12 years.

They're just as beautiful as I remember.

* * *

**AAAAAAND, the end! :) Thanks so much for reading. I really hope you enjoyed it! :) I sure did enjoy writing it. :)**


End file.
